Memoirs-4

Pinched nerve, pinched brain

As if the first offerings weren't self-indulgent enough, be prepared for a maudlin, miserable post.

I envy dead people.

There, I said it.

I cried last night.

I am so tired. Not physically tired. Mentally, emotionally tired. All my life I have wished for, yet never had, a supportive cabal around me. A family - whether of relatives, or friends. I am so tired of doing everything alone. I strive to fulfill my dreams, my visions, and get beaten down to a point where I go and find some unsatisfying job to keep the rent paid. I am so tired.

I have two and a half unemployment checks left to go. I don't know what will happen after that.
I try so hard to stick to my path - to develop creative things, to improve lives, to change the world in my own small way. It's a great idea, and somewhat easier to do when the rent is paid.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm not surrounded by supportive people who can mentor or guide me. I've never had that - not as a child, not as an adult. I do have people who pat me on the head and say, "You go, girl - great idea" and then they leave and go back to their own lives... when all I crave is for one person to sit down and say, "OK, how can I help you get this done?".

I envy dead people. They don't have to think about how to pay the rent. Or exist from day to day.

Last week, I read my horoscope:
"Your strategies are close to working. The results you've generated so far are almost useful, bordering on successful, and on the brink of being beautiful. My question now is: You won't stop now, will you? You've already garnered a measure of recognition. You've gotten a taste of victory over your old bugaboos. Will you be satisfied with these partial breakthroughs, or will you fight and kick and scratch to strip away the almosts and ascend to utter triumph?"

It's 100% true. I was astounded. Enough to print it up and stick it on my wall to remind myself that I should keep going.

I tuned in to see a minute of Tarantino on Charlie Rose, and heard him say, "This is my time to climb Mt Everest." It hit me: YES! I'm pushing a boulder up Mt Everest! I'm doing something groundbreaking and extraordinary and fabulous! This is my time!

Teddy Kennedy died this week. I stayed glued to the services and processions and interviews and eulogies. He overcame great tragedies and with perseverance, became a strong leader who changed lives and was respected by people across the world.
He never had to worry about how the hell he would pay the rent. He had doors opened to him because of his name. Fuck, I'd change the world too if my name was Kennedy and I had that kind of family! There's no excuse not to.

I envy dead people.

No, I'm not thinking of offing myself - although god knows that would be something to look forward to - but I'm so sick and tired, very tired, of trying to do everything alone. I'm pushing a boulder up Mt Everest, and it would be so nice to have someone push with me, or be on the other side, doing a little pulling.

Tomorrow, I venture out, with a fake smile on my face, and try to pull a simple seminar together. Alone.
Then, I try to get my website loaded and start looking for a way to make Element happen. Alone.
Then, I continue to worry about what happens two and a half unemployment checks from now and how will I pay the rent; will I need to move - and where to?; will someone send me a little work so I can keep going?
And all the time, I will envy dead people. They have no more worries, no more concerns. Their rent is paid.